I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
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Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.