Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
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That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
This anagram machine is out of order.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.