My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
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INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
look at me when i’m typing to you
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird