My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
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[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*