Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
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Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
United Steaks of America
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP