Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
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me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
🚲+physics = winner
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
lot going on here, legally speaking.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]