KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
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Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
choose your fighter
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.