Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
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[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
LMAO.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*