I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
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We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Lmao
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.