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40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Stop it! 😂
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊