Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
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Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!