Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
You Might Also Like
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist