Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
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“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life