Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
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Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Good boy 😂😂
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
my mom making me talk to relatives
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…