Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
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It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!