My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
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Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
“What movie?” 🤔
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP