[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
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Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
*jazz hands*
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.