If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
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Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”