The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
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therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Worst perfume name ever.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.