Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
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School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.