There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
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Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work