inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
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ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Wasps: bees, but not helping
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.