My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
You Might Also Like
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I’m good, thanks.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.