So, I got banned from the toy store today…
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If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
mentally somewhere in italy
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo