James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
You Might Also Like
mathematically impossible
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*