My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
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Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.