If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
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I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
When you kidnap a writer.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Google Pay be like:
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math