So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
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wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
listen closely
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste