[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
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My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no