Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
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If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I wish I could veto my bills.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all