I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
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Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
WHY would you be happy about this?
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Hot Hot Hot
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
This did not end as expected.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee