‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
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I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.