Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
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sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle