I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
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“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
figuring out my emotional availability:
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.