My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
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Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
What kind of a cult is this?
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”