The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
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I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
me logging onto twitter
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans