I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
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We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
🤣🤣🤣
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION