[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
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HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
The point of your 20s
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.