Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
You Might Also Like
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas