[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
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“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday