[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
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I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
🙂🙃🥹
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.