My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
You Might Also Like
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.