Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
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Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
I put the p in pants.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.