It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
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It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…