*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
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I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.