4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
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I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
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My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster