I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
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One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Teach your children to beatbox
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
May your day taste like creamy soup.