I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
You Might Also Like
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.