If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
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KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
just pretend nothing happened
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
War & Peace
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
That time Alicia messaged me
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*