my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
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got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Day 2 of my diet
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
this is me
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.